In an attempt to placate Heaton Road residents, the owner of the new micropub- Louie Cypher-has announced the establishment name and mission statement.

Mr Cypher said ‘Obviously this Hellmouth of a pub ‘Satan’s Drug Orgy’  must reflect my mission statement of eternal torment, so we have already removed the toilet seats from the cubicles, installed toilet roll dispensers where you can’t find the end of the roll and hand dryers hotter than Abaddon’s Jalfrezi’.

Mr Cypher continued ‘We expect the pub to become an integral part of the local community and we will be holding a number of events- knitting circles with human sacrifice, bridge clubs with human sacrifice and quiz nights where the losing team are sacrificed to the Darklord’

‘We have also agreed on reducing noise pollution by only playing piped  Judas priest records backwards in the witching hour.’

A number of speciality beers will also available including ‘Ale Satan’ a heady 6.66% blood red ale, fermented in a defiled baptismal font.

A local concerned resident believes this is not enough, speaking from a disaster bunker festooned with runes and wards she said that  people will be put off visiting the nearby empty shops: ‘We fear that it will attract an unruly crowd of CAMRA members hellbent on talking about Double Dry Citra Hopped Imperial Pale Ale.’ She went on: ‘What happens if I want to pop to the interior designers at 9pm at night, looking for soft furnishings, only to walk past people having a quiet drink?’

The pub is expected to open early September to coincide with the planetary alignment that will herald the arrival of the Antichrist.

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